ReJoyce

Last night’s Super Bowl was a real clunker. Anyone who watched the game could tell you that. It was sloppy, low-scoring, and boring to the point where even soccer fans were clowning American football:

The game was made even less interesting by the lack of hype leading up to the game. There were a few storylines that the media tried to use to generate interest in the week leading up to the game: Patriots vs. Rams just like in 2002, oldest coach-QB duo vs. youngest coach-QB duo in Super Bowl history, and speculation about Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski’s future, to name a few. None of these stories had legs.

Do you know what dominated the week leading up to the Super Bowl? The NBA. This week, Anthony Davis and Kristaps Porzingis requested trades from their respective teams (Porzingis’ request was granted as he was shipped off to the Dallas Mavericks; Davis will likely not be dealt until the offseason). The NFL went largely unnoticed in the week leading up to its biggest event of the year all because of mid-season drama from another league.

That’s a very tough look for the NFL. The biggest headline I saw other than the manufactured ones I listed above was Rams DB Nickell Robey-Coleman saying that age has “taken a toll” on Brady, to which pretty much everyone said “Hey man shut up, you almost ruined your team’s chance to make it this far.”

I’m not sure what the answer is when it comes to making the NFL’s off-the-field product as entertaining as the NBA’s. However, I am sure that something has to be done when the most exciting moment of the Super Bowl is a pregame commercial for Avengers: Endgame. Many people have speculated that the NBA will overtake the NFL in terms of popularity within the next decade. I don’t know how true that is, because the NFL’s on-the-field product is still the best of the Big 4 sports leagues, but with the recent emergence of stars on a ton of teams throughout the NBA and the increased marketability of those stars, it’s not as crazy a thought as it seemed at first.

(I would say spoilers ahead, but this all happened in real life. Is it actually a spoiler if you know the ending because you watched the news any time from 2001-2009? Whatever. There are spoilers for Vice throughout this post)

Yes, I know I’m late here. This movie came out on Christmas, but I didn’t get the chance to go see it until last night. However, it just so happened that Oscar nominations came out this morning, and Vice got nominated for eight of them. If you ask me, the nominations were well-deserved, especially for the acting performances.

Vice tells the story of the rise of Dick Cheney, who quietly worked his way to the top of the American government throughout the later half of the 20th century and eventually became the most powerful Vice President in United States history. Adam McKay does a great job of telling a serious story with a good sense of humor. The best example of this is that Cheney’s multiple heart attacks become a recurring joke without making it feel too dark or cheap. Extrapolate that tone over a whole movie, and you have Vice.

McKay At first, this method of storytelling was somewhat disorienting to me, but once I settled in it really helped tell the story. It’s narrated by Kurt (Jesse Plemons), a man who seemingly has nothing to do with Cheney (although it’s revealed in the end that Kurt dies and his heart is given to Cheney, pulling him back from the brink of death). For the most part, Kurt’s job as narrator is to push the story along and explain political terms that are thrown around throughout the movie. Plemons does a good job in this role.

The real highlight of this movie, though, is Christian Bale’s performance as Cheney. Bale was unbelievable in this role. Bale completely embodied Cheney in looks, movement, facial expression, voice, you name it. This movie was full of great acting performances (Amy Adams as Lynne Cheney and Sam Rockwell as George W. Bush were both nominated for Oscars), but Bale’s performance especially stood out. Really, the only acting performance I didn’t love in this movie was Steve Carell as Donald Rumsfeld. The character just reminded me of a smarter version of Brick Tamland from Anchorman. I suppose that’s on me as the viewer associating an actor with one of his former roles, but I just couldn’t get past that thought once it popped into my head.

This movie was an enjoyable watch. It has a 54% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes, but I think that’s really for two main reasons:

1. It’s a political biopic that rails against one side of the aisle. That’s going to ruffle feathers no matter what.

2. It doesn’t have a happy ending like a lot of biopics do. The movie ends with Cheney telling his older daughter to speak out against the legalization of gay marriage despite the fact that his younger daughter is a lesbian. Cheney talks directly into the camera about doing what’s necessary to obtain power and protect people, then the movie ends. I can see how that would turn some people off as they’re leaving the movie.

Still, I really liked this movie. It wasn’t my personal favorite movie that I saw this year, but it was very well-made and it deserves the critical acclaim that it’s getting.

P.S. Bale was well deserving of his Best Actor nod, and let me say this: if Rami Malek wins for Best Actor over Bale, I’m boycotting the Oscars. Bale and Ramek had the same job (perfectly mimic someone else who actually existed), and Bale was much better at it than Malek.

The same friend that recommended that I watch ‘Friends from College‘ recently suggested that I watch ‘You,’ Netflix’s new thriller series that was released on Christmas. I’ve been watching a lot of comedy series recently, so I decided to add some variety to my viewership and watch something a little more intense. I’m very glad I did.

(Before you continue, please note that there are spoilers ahead.)

‘You’ tells the story of Joe Greenberg (Penn Badgley), a bookstore manager who meets a fine arts grad student named Guinevere Beck (Elizabeth Lail) in his store and immediately becomes obsessed with her. By using the internet, he’s able to find out where she lives, who she hangs out with, and just about anything else he wants to know. Eventually, he and Beck start dating, and he proves that he’s willing to do anything to prove his love for her – including torturing and killing people who stand in his way of being with her.

The show is highlighted by a roller coaster story line in which the viewer is almost constantly convinced that Joe will be caught and exposed as a stalker/abuser/murderer, but he manages to convince everyone of his innocence at every turn. The season’s final two episodes were full of unexpected twists that made it nearly impossible for me to stop watching. It’s not a perfect plot; there are some open ends that are tied up a little too easily for my liking, but the story still draws the viewer in.

The acting performances in ‘You’ are another strong point in the show. Badgley plays a great sociopath, flipping between psychotic narration and acting like a caring boyfriend without a hitch. Lail does a good job as Beck, and Shay Mitchell turns in a strong performance as Beck’s best friend/Joe’s worst enemy, Peach. Luca Padovan also does a good job of making the audience care about the show’s B plot as Paco, the kid growing up in a broken home next door to Joe.

I would recommend this series to anyone looking for an exciting series that’s also a quick watch. I finished the first season in three days, but people who (unlike me) have things going on in their lives could finish it within a week. It’s not perfect, but it’s definitely an enjoyable watch and a fun show to discuss if you watch with others.

Well, that sucked. The Eagles had plenty of opportunities to beat the Saints in New Orleans, but didn’t capitalize and wound up fizzling out after the first quarter. I was really trying to enjoy the ride while it was still going on, but now that the season is over there are a few harsh realities that Eagles fans need to face.

The futures of several key players from the past few seasons are up in the air as of now. Specifically:

–Carson Wentz/Nick Foles. The Eagles have a big decision to make when it comes to their quarterback of the future. They can go with Wentz, who has played at an MVP level when healthy, or Foles, who guided the team to its only Super Bowl championship and seems to provide a spark to the whole team when he starts. If you ask me, the team should stick with Wentz. While I’m eternally grateful to Foles for leading the Eagles to their first-ever Super Bowl, I don’t think he’s the Eagles’ long-term answer.

–Darren Sproles. There were reports that Sproles wanted to retire after last season, but he made the decision to return after missing most of  the year with a torn ACL and broken arm. This year, he again missed a big chunk of the season due to injury, so it remains to be seen whether he’ll return or not.

–Brandon Graham. Graham’s contract is up, and it’s widely assumed that he’ll be too expensive on the free agent market for the Eagles to resign him. This is a big blow for the Eagles’ defensive line, as Graham was a key contributor to both last year’s run to the Super Bowl and this year’s furious late-season rally.

–Chris Long. Long is also a free agent after this season. There have been rumors that he’s considering retirement, but if he decides to keep playing, I don’t think his price tag would be too much for the Eagles to pay.

–Jason Kelce. Stories came out last week that Kelce would retire after this season. After Sunday’s game, Kelce said he was “season to season” and would make a decision regarding his future this offseason. Kelce is one of the best centers in the NFL, so if he decides to step away from football, it would be a huge blow to the Eagles.

–Jason Peters. Peters is another key contributor on the offensive line that is heavily mulling retirement. Although he still performs at a high level, Peters is coming up on his age-37 season and there have been rumors that he was considering retirement after the past few seasons.

–Golden Tate. Tate was a mid-season acquisition this year and is widely considered to be a rental player. He will probably be too expensive for the Eagles to resign in free agency.

–Brandon Brooks. During yesterday’s loss, Brooks went down with a lower leg injury that Ian Rapaport reported was serious and season-ending. Brooks confirmed that report after the game when he tweeted that he tore his Achilles. Achilles injuries typically take at least six months to heal, so hopefully Brooks can recover in time for next year and continue to perform at a high level.

I would love to see any/all of these guys back in midnight green next year, but the truth is that all of their futures are in the air. There’s nothing to do now except sit back and wait (and tweet at all of these players and beg them to come back).

Merry Christmas, people! I’ve been trying to diversify my Netflix watchlist recently to include more than the three sitcoms I watch on a loop, a few romantic comedies, and the four Marvel movies that Netflix has available. I had been seeing a lot of ads for The Christmas Chronicles on social media and Netflix was showing the trailer on its homepage, so I decided to give it a shot. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was about to embark on one of the strangest cinematic journeys of my life.

This movie was like if you took certain elements from a bunch of famous Christmas movies, put them in a blender, poured in a healthy scoop of absurdity, and sprinkled in the fact that Santa is basically a God who can fly and make anything appear out of thin air. It was like Christmas on acid. It was like the creators of this movie went to Netflix, said, “hey, what if we make a regular Christmas movie?” and Netflix was like “Eh, boring, no thanks,” so the creators decided to just make it as ridiculous as possible, and Netflix was like “YES YES PLEASE YES.”

When I first started watching this movie, I was turned off by all of the ridiculousness. It felt like a weird knockoff blend of Elf and The Santa Clause. I wasn’t really sure if the movie was self-aware, and I think one of the worst things a movie can do is lack self-awareness. However, there was a turning point where I realized that the movie was in on the joke: a jailhouse blues rock scene, with Santa as the lead singer and a bunch of convicts as his band.

How do we get to that point, you ask? Well, the two main characters of the movie, Teddy and Kate, sneak onto Santa’s sleigh and surprise him to the point where Santa crashes the sleigh in the middle of Chicago and loses his hat, bag, and reindeer. Santa is played by Kurt Russell, who is annoyed that Santa is portrayed as a fat, jolly guy instead of looking like Kurt Russell with a beard. Without all of the stuff they lost in the crash, Christmas will be lost, and the world will go back into the Dark Ages. That’s not an exaggeration either; Santa explicitly says that would happen.

(Side note: Teddy and Kate are a pair of squabbling siblings from Lowell, Massachusetts. Their dad recently died in a fire, which is discussed almost constantly throughout the movie. Teddy plays the role of teenage brother who’s too cool for Christmas, while Kate is the younger sister who believes in Santa. Teddy is also getting into some bad habits like STEALING CARS with his friends. This movie decided there was no way to portray him as a troubled teenager than by having him jimmy locks and hotwire cars at the local deli.)

Anyway, Santa, Teddy, and Kate decide to steal a car from a local bar’s valet, which leads to a car chase with the police. At this point, Santa sends Kate off to run through Chicago, a city where she’s never been before (and a city that Santa makes fun of for its high crime rate), to find his reindeer. As Santa is being arrested, Kate comes back with the reindeer and she and Teddy escape. Santa is interrogated by his arresting officer and decides to taunt the guy with jokes about his ex-wife. He’s put into a holding cell with the E Street Band’s Steven Van Zant, magically pulls instruments out for all of the convicts, and gives everyone musical ability for a minutes-long blues rock number, all in the name of increasing Christmas spirit. I’m not kidding at all. I thought this would serve as a distraction for Santa to bust out of jail, but he literally just did it to boost Christmas spirit.

(SPOILER ALERT) Because of this boost, the gang is able to save Christmas and everyone lives happily ever after (at least until Teddy gets sentenced to several years in prison for grand theft auto, but the movie ends before we get to see that happen).

The jailhouse rock scene told me that the movie was aware of its own absurdity, and they really decided to lean into it. This made me enjoy it a whole lot more. That’s not to say I don’t have my gripes with this movie: it often felt like it couldn’t decide between being a children’s movie or a movie made more for adults, and it sometimes seemed like Kate’s character was only there to fall out of or into things (see: Santa’s sleigh/reindeer/bag). Also, I don’t want to spoil the end for anyone who hasn’t seen this movie yet, but let’s just say there’s a fairly large plot hole at the end that kind of negates a good deal of the movie and cheapened the film for me.

I have so many more thoughts about this movie, but I’m approaching 900 words, so I’ll cut myself off here. In short: The Christmas Chronicles is an enjoyable watch, but not exactly a cinematic masterpiece. It’s a good movie to throw on for some background noise while you’re doing a task like decorating for the holidays, or to watch with your friends and point out all of the weird things going on. On a five-star scale, I give it a two; on a letter-grade scale, I give it a C+.

So I was scrolling the ol’ Twitter timeline this week when this tweet popped up:

It’s a very funny tweet, and it’s certainly true. While Mike has a winning personality, he’s short, frail, and has one giant eye that is easy to attack (and as Dwight Schrute taught us, the eyes are the groin of the head). It also got me thinking: which Pixar characters could I  beat up/kill in combat? Let’s go movie by movie and discuss.

(Things to consider while reading: I am about 5’11”, weigh 170 lbs, I’m not in great shape but I’ve watched a lot of action movies so I feel confident in attempting a bunch of sweet moves)

Toy Story/Toy Story 2/Toy Story 3

A majority of the characters in Toy Story are toys (Woody, Buzz, Jessie, Mr. Potato Head, Rex, Ham, Slinky, etc.). I suppose if they banded together to form some sort of Mighty Morphin toy formation it would be a close fight, but I think at the end of the day I could just kick them all aside. Also, Andy is a child for the first two movies, so I could definitely beat him up. Result: Tommy wins against all characters

Monsters Inc./ Monsters U

Ahh, the movie that started this debate. As stated above, Mike would be fairly easy to kill in combat because of his many weak spots, but from there, things get a little dicy. Sully is huge so he could probably just bum rush me and win that way, and that snake Randall can make himself invisible. I think I would take several Ls here. Result: Tommy gets his ass kicked by some monsters

Cars/Cars 2/Cars 3

This one, believe it or not, is kind of a toss up if you ask me. Yes, Lightning McQueen and company have the advantage in size and speed, but they’re not nimble by any stretch of the imagination and they have a few glaring weaknesses. Like Mike, they have huge, vulnerable eyes, and if I were somehow able to deflate just one of each of their tires, they would be out of commission. Also, if I could somehow get to a higher ground or take the fight to the water, I would have a good chance of winning the fight. Result: Cars are definitely the favorite, but there’s a chance Tommy could figure out how to exploit a weakness and win

Up

Up is a heartwarming movie, but I could definitely beat up the human characters. Mr. Frederickson is old and feeble, and Russell is a chubby 9 year old. The only person(?) I’m worried about in this movie is Kevin the bird, because big birds like that can kick some ass. One time, the country of Australia waged war on a bunch of Emus and lost. Seriously. Result: Tommy beats up the humans, but Kevin the bird gets his revenge

Finding Nemo/Finding Dory

This is an easy one. All I need is a large net to catch the fish (as long as they don’t just swim down with a bunch of other fish) and then I can just let them sit on dry land for 10 minutes. Result: Tommy reverse drowns some exotic sea creatures

The Incredibles/The Incredibles 2

This is like a choose-your-own-adventure of ways for me to get my ass kicked. Do I want the old fashioned way of just a strong guy punching me a bunch of times? Do I want to be strangled by an elastic woman? Do I want a psychic teen to put a force field around me until I suffocate/starve? Do I want a super fast 11 year old to run around me throwing quick punches until I pass out? Do I want a demon baby to light me on fire? Do I want a cool (no pun intended) black guy to freeze me to death? Hell, even Edna Mode could smack me around with a newspaper. Result: Tommy gets his ass kicked six ways from Sunday

Ratatouille

Remy is a rat. Set up a trap with some cheese and he’s dead. Linguini is a wimp who takes orders from a rodent. This would be a breeze. Result: Tommy wins easily

Wall-E

I feel like I could just tip Wall-E over, so he’d be no problem. Also, the humans in this movie are too fat to even move, so I could beat all of them pretty easily. However, EVE is plucky and would find out some way to beat me up, and AUTO could somehow manipulate my surroundings to trap me in a room or something. Result: Tommy beats Wall-E and the humans, but EVE gets her revenge

Brave

Brave is a movie about a bunch of Scottish warriors and a girl with serious archery skills. Just like The Incredibles, there might not be a single character in this movie that I can beat. Result: Tommy loses handily

So there you have it. In case you ever wondered how I would fare against a bunch of animated characters from children’s movies, there are your answers.

Sundays in the fall for me are always spent the same way. I lay on my couch, order food about two or three times, and burn through about a whole tin (unless I’m gambling, which I always am, so its more like a tin and a half) and watch the NFL. Now, for some reason, I am a Baltimore Ravens fan. My dad wasn’t, no one in my family is, but they basically run my life from September to the early winter depending on their playoff run. Since I was young, I clung to heroes like Ray Lewis (show me a shred of evidence on his “murder” I dare you, there isn’t any) and I loved watching Ray Rice (yea I know theres evidence there, yikes). When they went to the Super Bowl in 2013 it was the greatest year of my life. You had Flacco in his prime, Ed “Ball Hawk” Reed, Ray Lewis, T Sizz, D Pitta, Boldin, Torrey Smith, and much more and they were clicking on all cylinders. My brother went to New Orleans to watch them win and I still absolutely hate his guts for it. I walked on air for about a year after and still continue to argue that Flacco is elite to this day, ask my friends they hate me for it.

 

I can’t even begin to describe the steep plummet this team has done since 2013. We’ve had players retire, we’ve traded players, and recycled through players like no one’s business. Questions about Flacco are still in the air, we had absolutely no run game for a couple of seasons after the excommunication of Ray Rice, and have really only had Justin Tucker to thank for consistent offense (I’ll get to him later). We’ve been abused by the Steelers who have ruined our playoff hopes for the last couple of years and we could never really just put the pieces together.

 

The last couple of off seasons however have been actually positive. We drafted some well rounded defensive players like Marlon Humphrey and were able to add pro bowl free safety Eric Weddle. We picked up new receivers that were either washed up or no one really knew about who have turned out to be really good targets for Flacco. With the draft pick of Lamar Jackson, we seem to really have a high scoring, dangerous offense and really starting to look like the old Ravens team that took us to the Super Bowl. In addition to that, our defense is man handling most of the teams we play which allows pressure to be taken off the offense.

 

 

This season seems to be different. Flacco obviously more motivated with the addition of Lamar Jackson, and reports say that it was Joe’s best preseason camp anyone has ever seen from him. Alex Collins looks good and can punch the ball in when they need it. Him and Buck Allen in the backfield give the ravens a “Earth, Wind, and Fire” feel. The “washed up” receivers that no one wanted are proving to be deep and shallow threats and give Flacco multiple targets. It beats last year when Mike Wallace or Jeremy Maclin would run deep and Flacco would just try and get a pass interference play. The O-Line is giving him MUCH more protection and the defense continues to shit pump. Wow all this great stuff, “How hey have they ruined your life?” you may ask…Let me explain

 

 

Week 1: We come out balls to the wall, full send against the Buffalo Bills, not even close. Ok, we look good, but it was against the Bills. Next game against the Bengals was the real test. We absolutely shit our pants. We let ginger Andy Dalton basically walk us all up and down the field. The reason why this game stung so much is because we lost to them last year off a bullshit pass in the last minute, I believe if I’m not mistaken. Ok whatever, we rebound and go to play the Broncos. I’m nervous, I’m sweaty, I couldn’t even read this team at that point. We come out and we play better than expected. Flacco throws no interceptions and we establish a strong run game for what I assumed would be a tough defense. I really honestly thought Von Miller was gonna Von Miller and basically eat Joe Flacco. But we stuck it out and caught the W. The next game was the mother load, the Pittsburgh Steelers. I cannot emphasize enough how much I freaking hate the Steelers. Their stupid towels, their field is named after a condiment company, and Big Ben’s fat mug has taken us out of the playoffs more times than I can remember. Joe Flacco comes out, and Im sorry for cursing so much Tommy (other blog writer who told me I cant curse that much) but Elite Joe Flacco put his dick on the table and owned Big Ben in Pittsburgh. I’m thinking to myself “Holy shit, we’re looking good, this may be our year, I love this team.”

 

We lose next week to the Cleveland Browns 12-9 in an OT field goal. I’m not even going to talk about this loss.

 

 

We then go to the Titans, shut em out, and sack the flying Hawaiian 11 times. Enough said, we bounced back. Last week was a blip.

 

AND THAN WE PLAY THE SAINTS. I’m nervous. Drew Brees has never beat us and they’re coming off a bye week. Whew baby am I sweating. We go up 10-7 going into the half. The under is looking great, the Ravens are containing Drew which is all I can ask for. By the end of the third quarter, I am thinking we got em. We come out in the fourth quarter and poop our pants. Outscored 17-0 going into our last possession. Joe Flacco has this unbelievable drive, that I’m not going to lie, only elite quarter backs can do. He finds Smokey Brown in the end zone with roughly 30 seconds left. I have gone full fledged insane at this point and I can’t even control what is going through my mouth. ‘ WE’RE GOING INTO OT, WERE GOING INTO OT, WE GOT EM NO DOUBT.” All Justin Tucker has to do is make the PAT which he has never missed in his ENTIRE CAREER, THE MAN IS A GODDAMN GOD AT KICKING FIELD GOALS. I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS MAN MISS AN EXTRA POINT IN HIS NFL CAREER. AND WHAT DOES HE DO… he shanks it. We lose by one point and go to 4-3. This team has put me on an emotional roller coaster the last five years and this season is nothing short of that. I am getting blue balled every week and I still cannot even tell if we’re good. I love them, but they are destroying me on the inside and the emotional stress is weighing on me. Jesus.