ReJoyce

Listen. Don’t ask me why I’m thinking about a 2.5 month-long celebrity marriage from almost a decade ago on Easter Sunday. Neither half of the couple has recently commented on the union, but for some reason this is where my mind is right now. A lack of social interaction has taken my mind to some strange places on this most holy day:

That’s not what’s important right now. What’s important is remembering that Kim Kardashian’s mother’s name is Kris Jenner…and her ex-husband’s name is Kris Humphries. Kris and Kris!

I’ve heard of women dating and marrying men with the same name as their brothers or fathers. I’m sure it’s a mental road block that can take some time to clear. (Side note: I have a distant relative named Danielle that’s married to a guy name Daniele. Not Daniel. Daniele. No real comment here, but that’s pretty out of the ordinary, no?) But a guy who spells his first name exactly the same way as your mother? That’s a whole different, strange level.

I know Kris and Kim’s wedding was a giant loveless publicity stunt and the Kardashians are really married to the whole “everyone’s name has to start with a K” thing, but you couldn’t find a guy named Kevin to carry this out? Or Kyle? Or Kenneth? Or Keith? Really ANY other K name besides that of the woman who carried you in her womb for nine months, raised you, and built a media empire off of the back of your sex tape.

In short: I implore all you ladies out there not to marry a man who’s named after your own mother. It’s apparently more difficult than I would think, but I believe in you all.

Happy Easter everybody!

Shoutout to Steve @Steve__Maloney for choosing my Roman-themed theme song

It all started with a simple tweet. I saw this promotion for Magnum condoms on my timeline, laughed because I thought about Dr. Mantis Toboggan talking about his Magnum Dong:

So I sent out a simple tweet and my high school classmate/fellow Tim Robinson enthusiast Max responded in kind:

For the uninitiated, Roman Swipes are a revolutionary product designed to help men last longer in bed. To use, simply take the swipe out of the packet, apply to the affected area, let dry, and Roman will help you live up to your stallion-esque potential by desensitizing your ding dong.

After I sent a pretty lackluster joke in response, Roman caught wind and sent a link to buy some swipes:

Naturally, I asked how I could get some free stuff from Roman so I wouldn’t have to try thinking about baseball or saying the alphabet backwards to last longer in bed:

Roman threw down the gauntlet:

And the game was afoot. I tasked my followers with pushing me over the hump (no pun intended):

And thanks to 26 of the 671 beautiful people who follow me, I now have a free month’s worth of Roman swipes being sent right to my front door in discreet packaging (I live with my parents, so the discreet packaging is actually very helpful and is going to save me at least one awkward conversation with a my devout Catholic parents).

The folks at Roman couldn’t have been nicer, and I’m now officially on Team Roman for life. Use promo code TOMMY for 20% off at checkout*!

*Not really, but how awesome would it be if Roman started paying me? Roman, if you’re reading this, please pay me. I’m current unemployed and need a win

Okay fine, you guessed it, it’s Jim Hopper. Honestly, I’m mostly surprised that Netflix revealed Hopper’s return in the very first teaser for the new season. Mostly everyone was able to figure out that Hopper was the American in Russia hinted at the end of the third season, but I figured that a big part of the marketing for the new season would be Joyce and the kids dealing with the loss of ol’ Jim. I’m sure Netflix has a well thought-out plan because they don’t have shit for brains like me, but I’m curious as to what they’ll do with season four. I’m on the record saying I would be fine without a season four:

Honestly, I’m a little worried about the show becoming stale. The first two seasons basically followed the same formula: weird shit happens in Hawkins because some scientists got overeager to play in the Upside Down, demogorgon(s) run amok, Eleven uses her powers to save the day, then she passes out/disappears. The third season added a wrinkle by having Eleven lose her powers toward the end and letting regular people be the hero. I’d imagine the fourth season goes something like this: we get a glimpse into how Hopper made his way through the Upside Down to regular Russia, he somehow gets in touch with Joyce and the kids, Eleven rediscovers her powers (maybe her sister who popped up in season two comes back into play?), they save the day, and it ends with some sort of cliffhanger indicating that the Upside Down is very much still in play.

HOWEVER, the Duffer Brothers have done a great job of keeping things fresh for three seasons now, and I believe in their ability to keep an audience engaged. After both of the first two seasons, I thought they were writing themselves into a corner. They proved me wrong both times. This show is their baby and I doubt they would do anything to water it down. Until they show me they don’t have the touch anymore, I have to believe they still have it.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B77KIAnhwsR/?igshid=1s4c1e4h81853

LAS VEGAS — Video of a woman dressed as Minnie Mouse fighting with a security guard on the Las Vegas strip has gone viral. 

The footage also shows two people dressed as Mickey Mouse and Goofy trying to break it up. 

…

Witnesses said the fight started after the security guard asked the woman dressed as Minnie Mouse to move from in front of a food court. As Minnie was moving, witnesses say the guard called her a name.

It’s not known whether the guard was seriously injured in the scuffle. 

…

Las Vegas police are investigating the incident.

Minnie’s apparently been listening to Zack Fox:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5IXuJ7llf0

You hate to see yet another child star take a turn down a dark path. According to National Today, Minnie will reach age 90 in November. She always seemed relatively well-adjusted for someone who became a star at such a young age, but like Lindsay Lohan and Justin Timberlake before her, she’s apparently taken a dark turn (although it’s difficult to compare doing drugs and/or pulling a woman’s breast out in front of 100 million people to losing your mascot head and fighting a security guard who asked you to stand 20 feet away from where you’re currently standing. Apples to oranges, I suppose). Poor Mickey was stuck trying to keep the peace, but there’s only so much one mouse can do.

As the report indicates, Las Vegas police are looking into the incident. We’ve gotten no word from Disney whether this incident will affect Minnie’s standing on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, her status as a mainstay on the Disney Cruise Line, or her duties as the queen of the castles in the Disney theme parks. I’ll post updates as I hear them.

Here’s hoping that Minnie can seek treatment and get herself back on the right track before things take an even darker turn (and also that the security guard is okay/has a speedy recovery).

This morning, for the first time in my life, I was let go from a job. Apparently, if you work in sales, they expect you to “try hard” and “sell things.”

*Please know that if you’re a prospective employer, my release was strictly budgetary and not performance-based. Hiremepleasethankyou*

It’s a strange feeling. I’ve never been fired before and I’ve only really quit one job (the one I had before this one). It’s the first time I’ve been unemployed since I graduated college. I was obviously upset at first, but the more I’ve thought about it, the better I feel. As a young man with a clear schedule, the possibilities for how to kill time are limitless. Here are a few of the ideas I’ve had in the immediate aftermath of my sudden unemployment:

• Clean my room like reeeeeeally thoroughly

• Exercise (okay, maybe not)

• Read a book (preferably one with pictures, I don’t have THAT much time on my hands)

• Learn how to throw a knuckleball

• Try standup comedy and quit if I’m not discovered and made famous immediately

• Watch all of the stuff on Netflix/Hulu/HBO that everyone tweets about so I can participate in the discussion

• Study up and become a Jeopardy! contestant

• Form an even more unbreakable bond with my dog

• Become one of those guys who’s really into Reddit

• Get really good at playing the guitar/re-learn how to play the piano (it’s only been 11 years since my last piano recital, how rusty could I be?)

• Perfect the art of parallel parking

• Attempt to become a YouTube star despite a lack of charisma and video editing skills

• Get really good at impressions (I’ve been told that my Al Pacino is “okay”)

• Learn how to cook something that’s not popcorn or toast

• Become a lethal three-point shooter

• Watch all of the movies that are nominated for Oscars (Actually, not sure if I’ll have the time to watch The Irishman, heyoooooo)

• Definitively solve the JonBenet case

• I already have a beard, but if I didn’t, I would definitely grow out some five o’clock shadow as a mark of unemployment

• Work on my resume and find a new job, I guess

Who knows what the future holds? I sure don’t. If you have suggestions for a man in his early-to-mid-20s without a job to distract him, shoot them my way. (Also: If you’re hiring, holla atcha boy)