Which Pixar Characters Could I Beat in Hand-to-Hand Combat?

So I was scrolling the ol’ Twitter timeline this week when this tweet popped up:

It’s a very funny tweet, and it’s certainly true. While Mike has a winning personality, he’s short, frail, and has one giant eye that is easy to attack (and as Dwight Schrute taught us, the eyes are the groin of the head). It also got me thinking: which Pixar characters could I  beat up/kill in combat? Let’s go movie by movie and discuss.

(Things to consider while reading: I am about 5’11”, weigh 170 lbs, I’m not in great shape but I’ve watched a lot of action movies so I feel confident in attempting a bunch of sweet moves)

Toy Story/Toy Story 2/Toy Story 3

A majority of the characters in Toy Story are toys (Woody, Buzz, Jessie, Mr. Potato Head, Rex, Ham, Slinky, etc.). I suppose if they banded together to form some sort of Mighty Morphin toy formation it would be a close fight, but I think at the end of the day I could just kick them all aside. Also, Andy is a child for the first two movies, so I could definitely beat him up. Result: Tommy wins against all characters

Monsters Inc./ Monsters U

Ahh, the movie that started this debate. As stated above, Mike would be fairly easy to kill in combat because of his many weak spots, but from there, things get a little dicy. Sully is huge so he could probably just bum rush me and win that way, and that snake Randall can make himself invisible. I think I would take several Ls here. Result: Tommy gets his ass kicked by some monsters

Cars/Cars 2/Cars 3

This one, believe it or not, is kind of a toss up if you ask me. Yes, Lightning McQueen and company have the advantage in size and speed, but they’re not nimble by any stretch of the imagination and they have a few glaring weaknesses. Like Mike, they have huge, vulnerable eyes, and if I were somehow able to deflate just one of each of their tires, they would be out of commission. Also, if I could somehow get to a higher ground or take the fight to the water, I would have a good chance of winning the fight. Result: Cars are definitely the favorite, but there’s a chance Tommy could figure out how to exploit a weakness and win

Up

Up is a heartwarming movie, but I could definitely beat up the human characters. Mr. Frederickson is old and feeble, and Russell is a chubby 9 year old. The only person(?) I’m worried about in this movie is Kevin the bird, because big birds like that can kick some ass. One time, the country of Australia waged war on a bunch of Emus and lost. Seriously. Result: Tommy beats up the humans, but Kevin the bird gets his revenge

Finding Nemo/Finding Dory

This is an easy one. All I need is a large net to catch the fish (as long as they don’t just swim down with a bunch of other fish) and then I can just let them sit on dry land for 10 minutes. Result: Tommy reverse drowns some exotic sea creatures

The Incredibles/The Incredibles 2

This is like a choose-your-own-adventure of ways for me to get my ass kicked. Do I want the old fashioned way of just a strong guy punching me a bunch of times? Do I want to be strangled by an elastic woman? Do I want a psychic teen to put a force field around me until I suffocate/starve? Do I want a super fast 11 year old to run around me throwing quick punches until I pass out? Do I want a demon baby to light me on fire? Do I want a cool (no pun intended) black guy to freeze me to death? Hell, even Edna Mode could smack me around with a newspaper. Result: Tommy gets his ass kicked six ways from Sunday

Ratatouille

Remy is a rat. Set up a trap with some cheese and he’s dead. Linguini is a wimp who takes orders from a rodent. This would be a breeze. Result: Tommy wins easily

Wall-E

I feel like I could just tip Wall-E over, so he’d be no problem. Also, the humans in this movie are too fat to even move, so I could beat all of them pretty easily. However, EVE is plucky and would find out some way to beat me up, and AUTO could somehow manipulate my surroundings to trap me in a room or something. Result: Tommy beats Wall-E and the humans, but EVE gets her revenge

Brave

Brave is a movie about a bunch of Scottish warriors and a girl with serious archery skills. Just like The Incredibles, there might not be a single character in this movie that I can beat. Result: Tommy loses handily

So there you have it. In case you ever wondered how I would fare against a bunch of animated characters from children’s movies, there are your answers.